The Break-Up Analysis

While all relationships can be difficult, romantic relationships seem to be some of the most complicated types.  Sometimes two people can care for one another so much, yet they cannot seem to communicate effectively.  When a lack of communication occurs between two people for a long period of time, it most likely will lead to a huge confrontation and possibly a complete dissolve of the relationship.  The Break-Up is a movie that shows how important interpersonal communication is in relationships.  The movie features Brooke and Gary, a couple which has been together for several years.  Although they seem to be arguing about something trivial like lemons, there are much bigger issues that begin to surface.  Throughout this paper I will show how this scene is a perfect display of how a combination of passive aggressive behavior, disconfirming messages, and a defensive and unsupportive communication climate led to a complete breakdown of this couple’s relationship. 

 In a scene towards the beginning of the movie, Brooke asks her live in boyfriend Gary to bring home twelve lemons for a centerpiece for a dinner they were throwing that evening.  When Brooke sees that Gary only brought home three lemons they begin to argue, and soon a huge fight erupts.  They both begin to communicate in an unproductive way which leads to further conflict.  Brooke asks him why he only brought home three lemons, and Gary responds by telling her to use a smaller vase.  When she tells him that she needs all twelve lemons for the center piece she had planned, he responds by being very passive aggressive.  He uses the lemons to criticize her cooking, saying “the chicken that burnt my mouth could use some lemon on top of it.”  When she asks him to help set the table, he responds passive aggressively again by saying how she has done it all herself and should not need help.  He relates her asking for help with setting the table with Michelangelo asking for help painting the Sistine Chapel.  His comment makes Brooke feel as though she is wrong for asking for help.  These passive aggressive insults make Brooke even angrier and further escalate the problem.       

The main problem with Brooke and Gary being defensive communicators is that they both respond to one another negatively which creates a defensive and cold communication climate.  In order for a supportive communication climate to be created both partners need to show empathy, listen to one another rather than trying to control the conversation, and make an effort to see things from different perspectives.  Brooke and Gary are not showing any empathy for one another, nor are they allowing themselves to see the situation from another perspective.  Brooke refuses to acknowledge that Gary is tired and stressed from working all day and that he wants to sit down and relax.  Gary says “I bust my ass to be the best tour guide in the city so that I can support both of us.  All I ask is that you show a little bit of appreciation.”  However, Gary fails to notice that Brooke has also worked all day, cleaned their condo, and tried to prepare a nice dinner for that evening.  Instead of listening to what one another has to say, they both keep trying to one up each other by emphasizing how much they have both worked.  This makes both of them feel unappreciated.   

The couple’s lack of empathy for one another continues to anger them both.  Brooke reiterates to Gary how much she has done for him, and she reminds him that he could show his support for her more.  Brooke says “You could have thought to yourself, I want to bring Brooke flowers.”  Gary responds by telling Brooke, “you hate flowers.”  When she asks him to help clean up the kitchen, he quickly tells her he would rather do something else.  Brooke responds by saying “I want you to want to do dishes,” and Gary says “why would I want to do dishes?”  Brooke wants Gary to help her out to show her support and to show her that he loves her.  However, Gary is showing a complete disregard for her feelings, and he is not trying to understand her.  However, even if he were trying to understand her, she was making it difficult by being indirect with her issues and instead talking about flowers, dishes, and lemons.  There was no honest and open communication where they both said what they were really feeling.  Instead, they simply danced around the main issues and focused on the trivial ones. 

As the argument continues to escalate, Brooke and Gary begin to get their aggression out by using the “everything but the kitchen sink” tactic.  They both throw in all different types of issues and past arguments that have never been resolved.  Brooke attacks Gary for never taking her to the ballet, for playing too many video games, and for the lack of novelty in their relationship.  She says “forget the ballet, we never go anywhere together.”  She wants to have less predictability and more time to experience new things.  When he reminds her that they went to a football game recently, she screams at him that she did not even want to go.  She feels as though he is always controlling what they do, and that she always has to give up her own wants to please him.  Instead of compromising and participating in activities that they both want to do, she feels that they always do whatever he wants.  She tells him “I did that for you, how do you show up for me?”  However, Gary had no idea that she felt this way because she never stands up to him and tells him.  Her passive nature made it so she never shared her feelings with him in order to smooth away any conflict.  This just made her bottle everything up until she eventually exploded. 

As Brooke continues to use disconfirming messages by criticizing and judging Gary, he begins to feel more attacked.  She fails to remind Gary about how much he matters to her and that she wants to solve the problem, and instead insults him by telling him that he “dresses like a pig, and plays his stupid video games.”  He insults her back by calling her a “nag” and telling her to leave him alone.  She puts them on different levels by saying “I don’t deserve this,” and making him unequal to her.  They start “mind reading” and telling each other what they believe the other person thinks.  Gary says “nothing I do is ever good enough for you,” and Brooke responds by saying “you don’t care about me.”  The fact that they both used “You” language instead of “I” language only made them more defensive towards one another.  If Gary would have said that he feels as though she never recognizes his accomplishments, Brooke might have responded differently because she would have felt less attacked. 

After analyzing the communication between Brooke and Gary I have realized that burying issues instead of confronting them head on will create more problems for both people.  In the end, Brooke and Gary decided to break up and go their separate ways because they could not find a way to communicate.  It seems that no matter what the issue is, a defensive and unsupportive communication climate can be very destructive to relationships.  If Brooke and Gary would have not been passive aggressive, truly listened and had empathy for one another, and had been direct and open with one another, they could have worked together to compromise and solve their problems.  Even though they ended up being honest with one another, they did not accept and confirm one another in the process.  Although Brooke and Gary loved each other very much, they could not communicate effectively.  They put their own needs before their partner’s needs, and it ended up hurting their relationship tremendously in the end.

  

 

Works Cited

“The Break-Up Movie Clip-I’m Done.” Movie. You Tube. 26 October 2012.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn3I6-DBLJM